Letter written by spouse
Updated: May 25
I work as a nurse at an alcohol and drug treatment in a facility in the Denver Metro Area. I made a connection with one of our clients, and she shared a letter her spouse wrote to her for an assignment about what it would be like if they knew the client would die in 14 days. This letter moved me and is one of the reasons I believe so strongly in what we do. I received permission to share it because I believe it will touch other peoples lives. All names and locations have been changed to protect this client's identity. Sarah, 2,571 days ago is when I first met you, and now to think I only have 14 days left with you is unimaginable. I always knew this would happen because it was never a matter of if, it was a matter of when. When will I come home to you dead on the floor. When will I get a call saying you were dead. When will I have to plan your funeral. When will I have to call your family and tell them what has happened. All of these things have had me worried since we left California. Worry. It's a common verb used to describe being concerned or nervous. You always told me to stop worrying about you and now I can. I know you will be in a safe place and I no longer have to worry about all the when's and what ifs. I know this will be the hardest thing that I have ever gone through, but knowing that you will finally be safe, will help me get through this. I know you probably never thought this was going to happen, but it is. Its happening now. You let the drugs get the best of you and take you away way too soon. You chose drugs over your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. You chose drugs over someone who has been by your side for 7 years. You chose drugs over a forever family. Drugs have ruined you to the point of no return. The demons inside of you won. When you thought you can get through it one bad thing would happen and you throw your hands in the air and stop caring. Stop caring about what these drugs could do to you. Its like you thought you were invincible and nothing major like this was ever going to happen. I am just so sad that you could not snap out of it and realize that you are not invincible before it was too late. Now it is too late. It is too late to continue to grow our family, it is too late to buy a home together, and it is too late for us to exchange our weddings vows in front of our family and friends. There is nothing I wanted more than to walk down the aisle with you, and now because you chose drugs over everything, we will never get that moment. On the other hand, this person you've become is not the women I want to marry, not the women that I want to grow and be the mother to our kids. I wanted the caring, genuine, hard working, strong women I fell in love with. I did not want this angry, dishonest, aggressive, hurtful, selfish liar that you turned into when letting these drugs take over. At times I wondered how I got to such a low place in my life. And its because I let you continue to choose drugs over life. I was too oblivious to the fact that you would always choose drugs over happiness and eventually it would kill you. During those low times, I always wanted to leave but I kept on thinking you were going to change, and you were going to start caring. That is why I never actually left. On the other hand I was so done with all of the bullshit, I didn't care. It was like I had the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, and I didn't even know who was on which side. You made the decision of staying or going on your terms which is putting my mind at ease. Now I have no control over if I get to stay with you or leave you because you are leaving me. You are leaving me with no a care in the world on what affects it will have on the rest of us. When am I supposed to talk to our son about this? What will I tell him? How do I tell him? I know I will be okay, but in the end our lives are supposed to revolve around him, and that is not how it has been. It has always been about your drugs. I knew it would always be about drugs until I left or you were dead... and now this is what we are coming to the realization of. You are going to be gone forever in 14 days, 336 hours, and 20,160 minutes. That is it. 14 days to remember the great and try and get through the bad and ugly. How am I supposed to come to terms with this in 14 days? I am trying to think about how things would be, if I just left when I had the chance. Would this be happening to you? Would you be happier without me? What would motivate you to be better for yourself? It is all so confusing to me and has turned me into such a weak person. You did that. With talking down to me, calling me names, and saying a lot of hurtful things, I found myself at the lowest point of my life whenever you were on drugs. What kind of person treats one they so call love like that? I have tried to support you as well as being hard on you to try to get you to grow up, but nothing worked. You will be gone in a matter of time, and I don't know what I am going to do without you. I love you and I will always love you. It will take some time, but I will get to the point I want to be in my life. A house, a car, and most importantly a family. I know you will be watching down on us and I really wish it was you, the women I fell in love with 7 years ago. I don't know who this person is now, but you will have plenty of time to figure yourself out, I just wish it wasn't too late. I know that you could have been stronger than this, I know that if you would have just taken the time to get healthy in every aspect that you could have battled the demons while living your best life with our son and I. I wish you were going to be here to take him to his first day of school, see his first girlfriend, and so much more. I promise to always tell him who you were and what a great mom you were when you were here. I promise to raise him to be a great man, to always stay humble and live his life to the fullest, and that he can always count on me to be there for him, no matter what. I got this Sarah and at the end of the day, I feel like you have gotten what you have wanted all along. I love you Sarah and I will always be the forever to your always.